Tiffany Dawn
I first fell in love when I was seventeen. It was unlike anything you dream of as a little girl. This love consumed my thoughts, haunted my dreams and left an indelible mark on my heart. Too late I discovered that I wasn’t in control of the love; it controlled me.
I fell in love with something named “skinny.”
I was head over heels for it, couldn’t help myself. If I was with “skinny,” I felt comforted, in control, valuable…like it made me good enough.
If I could somehow take who I was and become that unreal image created through the reality-altering art of Photoshop then maybe “skinny would be happy”.The hard part was, I could never be small enough for “skinny.” So when I was disappointed in myself and needed comfort, I ran to the embrace of my other lover: “binge eating.” As my weight fluctuated up and down like a yo-yo, so did my self-esteem. Trapped between the two lovers, I couldn’t figure out how to escape. And I hated myself for that.
Today I speak around the country about my struggles with body image, and I’m often asked, “How did you find freedom?”
There’s no quick-fix answer. Instead, there is a journey. In the moment, it feels like the most difficult and terrible journey ever, but in hindsight it becomes so beautiful you wouldn’t trade it for the world. Here are some steps I took toward freedom:
Know that you are loved: I had to replace my external sense of self-worth with an unchanging internal source. Instead of looking to my weight to determine my worth, I learned that God loved me no matter what I looked like and no matter what I weighed. In fact, His love had nothing to do with whether or not I was good enough; He loved me simply because “I was His daughter”. The more I trusted what He said instead of what ‘skinny’ said, the more freedom I found.
Look at the bigger picture: I had to learn that my life was not all about me. As long as I lived like it was all about me, my insecurities were at the forefront of my awareness. But when I realized that all of life is ultimately about and for God, then when I made a mistake or didn’t look perfect, it was okay. It wasn’t all about me after all. It was about “making music” with my life and bringing a message of hope through Christ Jesus.
Serve others: If I want to leave a legacy with my life, it has to be through loving others. No one will remember me for being the skinniest or prettiest. What they remember is the way I treat them. In addition, when I serve others it takes the focus off of me and I forgot about my insecurities. Being fit to serve means that my fitness is continually done in a context to focus on serving others.
Talk about it: The last thing I wanted to do was tell someone about my unhealthy relationship with food and self-image, but as long as I kept it to myself, it controlled me. Sharing my struggle with a trusted mentor and friend, and asking them to walk the journey with me led to freedom. You should also consider sharing your struggle with emotional eating with a medical or counseling professional as well.
Be compassionate with yourself: Recovery involves making mistakes. That’s okay; it’s part of the process. This was hard for my perfectionist tendencies to realize. I had to learn from every “mistake,” get back up, and keep stumbling toward freedom. When you don’t learn to have compassion with yourself then stresses like worry, pressure and anxiety can add to emotional pain — taken to the extreme that can lead to self-injury.
To be fully alive learn to depend on His strength. Run to Him in your weakness.
Here’s the key I found: All those practical steps came in the context of being determined to do whatever it took to find freedom.
I wanted my relationship with God (and His plans for my life) more than I wanted disordered eating. I wanted to be able to leave my house without makeup. I wanted to be fully alive. And those desires motivated me to work with determination and overcome my personal obstacles through my freedom in God.
Tiffany Dawn
And yet there’s a beautiful balance, because even as we fight for freedom, at the same time we learn to rest in the love of Christ. We learn to depend on His strength, because we realize how weak we are. We desperately need Him to step in and be strong for us.
I fought this battle on my knees as I truly learned how to pray continually in every aspect of my life. Instead of running from God (which was my gut response), I ran to Him. He loved me even in my weakest moments, and so the weaker I was, the closer I came to Him. And He fought for me.
Journeys take time. But over the days, months, and years that followed, I found freedom. It is a freedom from torturing thoughts of food. It is a freedom from my obsession with the scale. It is a freedom to know who I am and base my worth on the love of Christ, not on the size of my jeans. It is a sweet, glorious freedom.
If you too struggle with body image or disordered eating, you can find freedom. It will take hard work and time but it will be absolutely worth it. Pursue it on your knees in prayer, letting every ounce of pain draw you deeper into the love of Christ. Then you too will find that the relationships with “skinny” and “binge eating” on a terrible journey called the insatiable quest for beauty will end. It will be replaced by a freedom that is absolutely beautiful.
